


Long road ahead

by 31lostie13



Series: Little lights [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:23:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8132104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/31lostie13/pseuds/31lostie13
Summary: Post season 3, takes place before 'Unsteady'."I think it's time for you to move on. Because you can. Because you deserve it.”





	

The mess hall was always full of people at dinner time. Everybody was greatful to have each other after what happened under Alies' control. It was nearly 5 days ago that everyone woke up in Polis. Some people moved on, they coped with what happened and accepted the fact that they won't ever be in this situation again. Marcus Kane wasn't one of those people. Even if it wasn't him, he shot his own people, crucified Indra and almost killed Bellamy. He hurt all the people he swore to protect. 

~

He worked day and night the first two days in Arkadia, afraid of the nightmares and too busy, now that they just had six months left. Some people tried to get him to his quarters but even Abby failed. On the second evening he needed to talk to a guard who had his shift at the main gate. He was tired, everyone who looked at his face saw that he didn't sleep but no one said a word. They looked away, nobody knew what they should do otherwise. As he was near the gate, he saw Octavia sitting at a fireplace, alone, throwing little woodsticks into the fire. She looked tired as well which worried him. With the knowledge that he was the last person who should give her the advice to go to bed, he changed his plans and went to the fireplace. She watched him as he sat down next to her. 

“You look like you could use some sleep.”  
She snorted.  
“And that's coming from you.”  
“I know..”  
She didn't know what to say. What was he doing here? But she was too exhausted to discuss that. He didn't look like he wanted to argue either. So they were sitting there next to each other, throwing woodsticks into the fire together. After a while she recognized that he had stopped and she turned her head. She couldn't help but smile at the sight of Marcus Kane, leaning against a trunk, sleeping. It was about 2 am, so only the guards were outside the quarters. She didn't know what to do. Should she wake him up? No, that wasn't her job. She didn't even know him. He was okay, yes, they had some things in common, but she had never really talked to him. Why should she? Just because they both respected the grounder culture and had fought against Pike didn't mean they were friends. She stood up and wanted to go to her sleeping place but was stopped by a light in medical. Abby. Maybe she could tell her, she could take care of that. She would. 

~

There were so many papers to go through, she just couldn't go to bed. She had sent Jackson, who had protested at first, to his quarters. It wouldn't help if both were exhausted in the morning. She saw a shadow getting closer to the door, after a few seconds she could make out Octavia.  
“I don't want to disturb you, but I don't know what I should do otherwise..”  
Abby studied her face, she didn't look good, maybe she was sick.  
“Are you alright? Are you not feeling well?”  
Abby stood up and was on her way to Octavia.  
“No, I'm fine, it's just.. Kane fell asleep outside at the fireplace and I, I just didn't know what to do..”  
At first Abby looked confused, that was the least answer she had expected. Then she smiled at Octavia who stood a little helpless in the door.  
“I'll take care of that, thanks.”  
She nodded. “Great.” She turned around and walked away.  
Abby turned off the light and walked straight to Marcus, who wouldn't be happy about other people seeing him sleeping outside. Not that it would matter, after Alie, everyone was a little bit messed up.   
But she was glad that he had finally fallen asleep, even if it hadn't been on purpose. She missed him. They didn't agree most of the time, that's true, but he was always there. The last time she had really talked to him in private had been the day before he'd been arrested by Pike. As she stood next to him, she kneeled down and squeezed his shoulder softly.  
“Marcus?”

He blinked a few times, he tried to make out where he was. The fireplace, he sat there with Octavia. But now there was Abby in front of him, one gentle hand on his shoulder. He sat up.  
“How long did I lie here?”  
A warm, small smile graced her face.  
“Don't worry, I think Octavia came to me right after you fell asleep. Maybe a few minutes. Come on, I'll get you to your quarters.”  
His eyes hardened.  
“I need to do some things first, you can go..”  
Abby cut him off quickly.  
“That wasn't a question, Marcus. I won't watch you working yourself to death, just because you want to punish yourself or whatever. I actually don't know why because you don't talk to me. But you're not the only one who struggles with what happened. I need you!”  
Her eyes were filled with tears and her voice was shaking.  
“You can't just ignore everybody. Especially not me! I can help you, Marcus, you just have to let me.”  
She stopped talking as she saw the first tears slowly running down his cheeks. He was leaning against the trunk, his knees pressed to his chest. She had never seen him looking that small and lost.   
“I'm afraid.” His voice was just a little tremor but she had heard it. It were just those two little words but they broke her heart. She had wanted to push him telling her the truth but she had never meant to hurt the broken man who sat in front of her. She cupped his cheeks with her hands, kneeling in front of him, looking him right into the eyes.  
“Of what?”  
“You know, when I'm awake, I can control my thoughts, so I don't have to see.. all those things, I...”  
He couldn't talk any further as he started to cry. The guards at the main gate stepped out of sight, giving them a little space. As Marcus realized that they were still sitting outside he quickly wiped away his tears.  
“Hey...” Abby took his hands. “We're in this together, remember?”  
He nodded, but he was looking at the ground, absent. Her hand lifted his chin so their eyes met.  
“Marcus, you are not alone.”  
He gave her a sad smile but she could see something familiar in his eyes: Hope.  
“Come on, we should go inside.”  
They didn't talk along the way to his quarters, but her hand never left his. As they stood in front of his door, she pulled him into a hug and whispered in his ear.  
“I'm here for you, you just have to tell me what you need.”  
With those words she kissed him on his cheek and walked down the hall.  
“Abby?”  
She turned around and his question was written all over his face. No one had to say anything else, she walked back to him and they entered his quarters together.

~

Octavia was still standing behind the storage room, she couldn't believe what she just saw. Something she wasn't allowed to, she had broken their privacy without even letting them know. She stood a few metres away from the fireplace, but close enough to hear everything that they'd talked about. She had never seen Kane like that. He'd always been the strong, uncompromising man on the ark. He had changed on the ground, yes, but he was still their fearless leader, or it had always seemed like that. Just moments ago he hadn't been, sitting on the ground, afraid, hopeless. She was ashamed, Lincoln wouldn't spy on his people. But he was gone and he will never come back.

~

As they put off their shoes and slipped under the blanket, they just looked at each other, both with red and tired eyes. He was the first who started talking.  
“Thank you.”  
“I'll always be there for you.”  
He took her hand in his and she pulled him closer.  
“I'm afraid too. But we have each other, right?”  
“We do.” His expression darkened. “I'm sorry, Abby. I haven't been there for you the last days and I'm so sorry for that.”  
“Don't be. Now you are. I'm glad that I have you back.”  
She smiled. It wasn't the big warm smile that he adored but it was the beginning of finding happiness again. He smiled back.  
“Goodnight, Abby.”  
“Goodnight, Marcus.”

After a while he was breathing steadily. She knew it would take a little longer for herself to fall asleep but that was okay. She had him back. She would be sleeping in his strong arms, feeling safe. Maybe that would be enough to avoid nightmares. She had had enough of them the last couple of days.

~

He was hanging on the cross , Abby and Jaha beneath him. But they weren't in Polis, they were in the woods. He knew the place, he had come there often when he'd needed time for himself. It was the place where he had planted his mothers' tree. The Eden tree was right in front of him, dead, the brown leaves on the ground. To his right side the 320 people he had killed on the ark, to his left all the people he had almost killed under Alies control. Behind them stood Lincoln, somehow he was responsible for his death too. He hadn't even tried to stop him from sacrificing himself. Almost everyone he knew was there, staring at him. They just stared, nobody said anything. Then he could hear someone walking through the trees toward him. As the person came into view, Abby lowered her torch and set fire to the cross. The fire made its way up fast. It was so hot, he wanted to scream. But all he could do was looking at the person who stood behind what was left of the Eden tree. His mother looked at him with disappointment in her eyes.   
“What have you done?”

They woke up almost at the same time, he startled from a nightmare, she because of him gasping for air.  
“Marcus, you need to breathe.” She sat up next to him, her hand layed down on his chest. “Try to breathe against my hand.”  
She couldn't see much through the dark, there was just a little gleam of light filling the room, but she could see the sweat running down his body. She could feel him shivering under her hand.   
“It's ok, it was just a nightmare.”  
His breathing got steadier and his eyes found hers.   
“I told you, I can't do this!”  
He was about to sit up, Abby tried to stop him but he was stronger than her hand on his chest. He was still not fully awake.  
“Marcus, wait..”  
She didn't know what to say, what to do. He was out of the bed now, slipping in his boots.  
“Marcus, stop!”  
He looked up. His eyes softened, his hands leaving the bootlaces. For a second everything seemed to be right, then he looked away, ashamed. 

What the hell was wrong with him? All he could think about were the people he had hurt. The people he cared about. And now he was hurting the only person who saw the good side in him, if there was anything good left in him at all. He made everything worse, he had never been that selfish. He wasn't the only one who had problems, even Abby had told him that.   
“I'm sorry..”  
“It's okay, just come back to bed and-”  
He interrupted her.  
“Not just for tonight, for everything. For everything I've done, everything I didn't stop. All those people..”  
She grabbed his hand which was floating between them and kept it safe in both of her hands.  
“We have to live with the things we've done. It happened. But you have to remember that we were not in control. This is our past, Marcus. Now we have to move on. Make something better.”  
“Not everything happened under Alie's control. And I am responsible for that.”

She knew what he talked about. The culling. The things he'd done on the ark. She thought he had left that behind. But apparently everything was back.  
“You're a different man now, Marcus. And you know that you acted wrong in some situations. You changed for the better. You payed for your actions over and over again. I think it's time for you to move on. Because you can. Because you deserve it.”  
Her head moved forward and their lips met. She felt his beard brushing against her soft skin. Then she pulled back. He looked at her with surprise in his eyes, she smiled.  
“Let's go back to sleep.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I would love to know what you guys think about this, so please leave some comments :-)


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